The feeling of not belonging
Most of the time in my adult life I have been having this feeling of not belonging anywhere. It is like I'm a little part of the world and without me everything is going to be the same. Except of course for my parents. The only other human beings for whom I'm really special and unique. After them, even for my siblings, I'm not necessary.
All my life I've been the kind of person that needs to feel like a helper, somebody who others run to talk with and get advice, someone who others need to resolve any conflict or problems. When my group of friends started to grow up and have their own life without taking care of what my thought was I had the strange feeling of being left behind. Curiously I felt like the mother without kids. With the years I know that that's adulting and everybody has their own path. I made my own choices and do a lot of things without consulting with others, I had new friends and new groups, I travel and meet new people… And still, sometimes is like I don't belong.
I don't belong with my high school friends, rarely talk with any of them; I don't belong with my college friends, they are in another season of their lives; I don't belong with my ex-workers friends, we have different path… I don't belong here or there or anywhere.
Maybe is just in my mind, and I know that probably I have a lot of people who gonna cry if I die, but this feeling of not being part of something, like really part of something… is been following me for a lot of time now. Sometimes is stronger than others, sometimes I don't care, but in the end, I do care.
Strangely being the outcast bothers me more than I would like to admit. Maybe that is why I spend so much time reading books (mostly YA) and watching k-dramas (lately more the second than the first). This obviously is not all bad… Being by myself have their ups advantages. The problem is when I force myself to be part of something to enjoy some activities that in the end, I'm going to be excluded, or have some expectations about the reactions of others. As humans, we need human interaction. We need the presence of others, the feeling of sharing, give and receiving… the feel of belonging to a group, a place, somewhere… And when that is disappearing it is hard.
If you're reading this feeling the same and looking for some answer, I'm sorry, I don't have any. If you know the answer to not feeling that way (and don't give a fuck) let me know. That reminds me the book of The subtle art of not giving a fuck by Mark Manson when basically he said that we should give a fuck about the stuff that are valuable to us. I do care about those things and still feel like I don't belong. Maybe I should change my values…
